They’re Back
For whatever reason, they’re back. So I’m going to resume this blog.
Decapitation, Jeffrey and Cole, Lady Gaga
I am in a small, dark room, threatening Jeffrey and Cole by pulling a human head out of a paper bag and showing it to them. Suddenly I am on top of a large hill in a desert-y region of Italy. I am taking pictures with lots of solar flare and trying to find gas for the SUV so I can move on to the next location.
Soundtrack: Bad Romance, Lady Gaga
McDonald’s
I was applying for a job at McDonald’s, and working with old NYTD people. The person reviewing my resume was impressed, but didn’t see any actual restaurant experience. I explained that I forgot to list it, and started saying “I worked as a cook for three years in college, and I took classes at the French Culinary Institute!” which I immediately realized would put me into the even-more-dreaded category: overqualified.
Banana Republic
I was walking through a Banana Republic, when a black family appeared, trying to get some help to buy shoes. The sales woman, also black, told the family to wait a minute and she’d be with them. The mother in the family went nuts, storming about unfair treatment, and headed for the door. The saleswoman walked up to her, explaining patiently that she was helping someone out first, and that it would only be a few minutes and then she’d be able to help the family. She said it such a kind, patient and compassionate way that soon the whole store was watching the exchange. The mother, embarrassed, started crying in shame and many of the customers, including me, felt that we had behaved similarly at some point to a salesperson, and began crying in sympathy. When the saleswoman was finished, everyone in the store applauded her.
Soundtrack: “Hi, My Name is Ray and Yesterday My Daughter Called Me”
Searching
I’m chasing locations on an old map so I can perform magical rites before appearing as Elvis in Times Square. As we find each place, we fall to our knees as if before god. We’re searching in a field, running over the hills. Nancy, Lisa, Sarah and Dave are there.
Soundtrack: Aspects of Love – “The Last Man You Remember”
David Bowie
I’m standing in a multicolored room with David Bowie, trying to name all the specific colors: cerulean, indian blue, etc. We are talking about Iman and how cool she is.
Working for Martha
I’m trying to get a job working for Martha Stewart. I’m feeding a goat to a bobcat. I fold a bloody American flag and try to put it correctly in front of her office door. She asks me, in french, when I want to go, “avant de termination.” “I can tell you want to work for me,” she says, “but there’s a lot you have to do, first.”
Soundtrack: Matt Alber – End of the World
Liev Schreiber
I’m sharing an apartment with Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts. Liev has tattoos on his shoulder. The two of them have a tap dance routing. Guests come in from Germany and we read aloud from a children’s book. We are trying to make arrangements to put on a fashion show. Italians show up and one woman tries to take over; she tries to reassure us by repeating, “Va bene…va bene.”
